|Grey kitty is actually my husband, Dane! He did the voice when he was five.|
It's been one year since we started blogging. I feel like we're just getting into the swing of things. I do find it interesting, all the strange ways we navigate through this complicated relationship, the ways things are different than with my family and the things that are the same.
Mother's Day is the perfect example of the complications that come up. I am not good at holidays, I'm not planful, I do not get things out in the mail ahead of time. I think about it, I agonize over it, but I can't do it. Oh, I have great ideas about the kids making cards and gifts and then it all coming together. But it doesn't quite happen.
This year, I held out, hoping I would get something together in time. By this afternoon, I came to terms with the fact that it wasn't going to happen and I called and ordered flowers for my mom. Sure, they're the typical and the generic, but they get the job done and I think that's what my mom wants (sure, hand-made cards from the kids would be a nice compliment to the flowers too, but the flowers would have to be a part of it).
Once I ordered the flowers for my mom, I figured I should get flowers for Kate as well. Maybe not as fancy a bouquet, maybe a less expensive one. Then I realized I didn't have her updated address. Then once I got all the information I needed...I just couldn't do it. Even though my mom wouldn't know if I sent something to Kate, it still feels a little like a betrayal.
I know Mother's Day is a fabricated holiday that's more about selling cards than meaningful ritual, but we can't get away from it any more than we can Valentine's Day chocolates. You just have to suck up that you have to do something to recognize the day.
For my mother's day last year, I went on slug safari. The one thing I want every Mother's Day is to go for a hike with all my boys - husband and the two little guys. Last year, we hiked at Tyron Creek Park. It was damp and cool, and we were hoping to see wildlife and we did in spades - in slugs. They were everywhere. Big and small, slimey all. It became a game to be the first to spot one.
This year, I told Reed, my youngest, just to make sure to not get me cut flowers. Flowers I can plant are great, I just don't want a bouquet. It took a little explaining, but he got it and now it's his job to make sure Dane and Quinn know too.
I suppose the easy thing to do would be to ask Kate what she would like for Mother's Day from me. Are flowers the right thing, or a card, or something like slugs? Then, if she tells me, and it doesn't feel right, then what? Then I'm just ignoring what she wants. So that probably wouldn't work.
Then I try to turn it around. I try to think how I would feel if my sons were to give something to someone other than me on mother's day. At first, it felt wrong, like it would bother me. But, if they were adopted, I think I would be so grateful to the birthmother that I would want to celebrate her myself on mother's day. How to recognize both?
I don't know. So I'll get my mother's day flower in just in time for my mom and will flake on Kate, not knowing which is better.
to view my birthmother's blog on the same topic, go to mothertone
Thoughts? Reflections? Opinions?
This was the first year I didn't get a call from Holly for Mother's Day...I'm "just" her step mother, and I am NOT her mother...but I was pretty bummed out. It got me thinking about MY birth mother and I wondered if I should reach out to her.ReplyDelete
I don't think it takes anything away from my mom if I do something nice for my birth mom...just like I don't think Holly's mom thinks it takes anything away from her if she wishes me a happy step-mom's day.
So maybe that's the solution...create your own Hallmark holiday, "birth mom day" so you can properly appreciate Kate without any guilt of what it may or may not mean to your mom.
I agree with the multiple moms issue that comes up in blended families. In my case it's step- and in-law moms, so it's a little different, but I think the feeling of betrayal spans all - shouldn't the mom who raised you take precedence? But life can complicate that issue in so many ways...ReplyDelete