tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1285119309352247083.post3323157473912899786..comments2023-05-25T05:33:40.516-07:00Comments on ReunionEyes ... Kathleen~Cathleen: Choice and Compassion: Interview Follow-up and FalloutTexthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16508960321983502749noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1285119309352247083.post-63648250662618724492013-03-15T13:13:34.965-07:002013-03-15T13:13:34.965-07:00So many things wrong with this situation.
You are ...So many things wrong with this situation.<br />You are a child abuser. The definition of child abuse is an adult using a child for their needs.<br />You are using Rachel's son, who has not consented for you to talk about his situation as a way to understand your own life. You are using him as a way to meet your own emotional needs. You are empathising with someone who has abandoned a child. Through choice. Rachel is a shameless child abuser. And you are enabling her. <br /><br />How you feel about your own biological mother is up to you, you have no right to intrude on what happened to another adoptee. Particulatly one who is too young to voice his feelings and cannot consent. <br />If her son goes looking for support when he's older I pray he doesn't find this. What do you think it's going to do to him? How would you like a detailed interview with your birth mother online, that others saw your story way before you did and were discussing what happened to you?<br /><br />It's not your place to try and make her feel better about her choice. That's her son's place. And I hope he isn't influenced by people like you. <br />You should be enough to be able to understand that not all bmothers are victims. <br /><br />Some bmothers are abusers. They give their babies away because they don't care. Mothers abuse their kids, do terrible things to them, so why give bmothers like Rachel a free pass just because she chose adoption. Do we give abusive mothers a free pass and try and understand them? She just didn't want to parent. Adoption is not contraception! <br /><br />Remember, there are plenty of abused kids who grow up to abuse their own children or abuse other children. You are the adoptee equivalent of this. There are plenty of adults who haven't come to terms with their abuse issues (I do count adoption as child abuse also) who try to normalise what happened to them by understanding and defending perpetrators. We don't think this makes abuse OK, do we? This is how I view you. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1285119309352247083.post-28131185407610610792013-02-12T12:23:50.409-08:002013-02-12T12:23:50.409-08:00Exactly. I have had similar situations with friend...Exactly. I have had similar situations with friends - they might have done something I disagreed with and didn't think was right, but supported them anyway. You're a loving friend. Texthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16508960321983502749noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1285119309352247083.post-50124618942817834962013-02-12T11:20:27.741-08:002013-02-12T11:20:27.741-08:00p.s. I just have to say this. Sometimes we talk ab...p.s. I just have to say this. Sometimes we talk about "hypothetical" situations...this illustration about the bank came to mind immediately because I'm living it. <br /><br />For the sake of my friend I will not share identifying details but ironically, a very close friend of mine has just gotten into some very serious trouble for stealing. They are a middle class citizen however they fell on some really hard times and thought they were going to lose everything. So in desperation, they embezzled. They were caught and are now facing worse consequences than it would have been to lose the house, etc.. As they have committed a felony, unless God does a miracle they will have this on their record for a long time, maybe until heaven. I hate that for them. Hate it!!!<br /><br /> My heart is broken for them. I can't even describe how broken. I wish to God they would have come and talked to me or to someone before they did it. They thought they had no way out and that to talk to someone else was futile. I get that. At the same time, I don't agree. They have explained over and over again what led them to the choice, yet no matter how much I still can't agree with them for stealing. I haven't come out and said that I don't agree with their initial choice...they just know I don't. All there is for me to do now that what's done is done is to see what can be done from here. I've been talking to them about how we can pick up the pieces going forward. I have been trying to help them with practical matters like how to come up with the restitution money, attorney's fees, making amends where they need to be made as much as possible, and just being a friend. I say how "WE" can pick up the pieces and move forward because I have not abandoned my friend because they made a mistake, nor will I!! Friends do "support" friends through choices, but not necessarily agree WITH choices. I have held their hand with compassion through this, but it doesn't mean that I believe they made the right choice. All that to say, we can love people without agreeing. <br /><br /><3Dr. Deanna DossShrodeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06651422170585497480noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1285119309352247083.post-13530282013516249652013-02-12T11:03:10.941-08:002013-02-12T11:03:10.941-08:00We absolutely can agree to disagree. Because we di...We absolutely can agree to disagree. Because we disagree doesn't mean I don't value you, have compassion for you, and love you. I do! And always will. <br /><br />~DeannaDr. Deanna DossShrodeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06651422170585497480noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1285119309352247083.post-30423462184244331692013-02-12T10:20:54.290-08:002013-02-12T10:20:54.290-08:00Deanna,
I really appreciate your comments and to...Deanna, <br /><br />I really appreciate your comments and totally understand where you're coming from. Your comparison to a bank robbery is spot on - just because it's someone's choice doesn't make it right, my reasoning was faulty there. And you're also right, you can be compassionate and supportive of someone without judging them, even if you don't agree with their choice. <br /><br />Choosing not to bring a child into the world or choosing not to raise them is a selfish choice. I'm just not convinced that makes it wrong. Is it better to bring a child into the world when you're too young / not ready? Maybe. I can't honestly say I know. <br /><br />You're coming from a place where you feel there is a right answer, and I respect that. I just don't feel that there is a right answer, just different answers to each situation. <br /><br />Hope we can agree to disagree. I get so much out of reading your point of view and truly enjoy it. We might not see eye to eye on all things, but, again, I think that's what makes our group thought-provoking.<br /><br />Cathy<br />Texthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16508960321983502749noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1285119309352247083.post-33009405983445276782013-02-12T09:14:59.230-08:002013-02-12T09:14:59.230-08:00I am grieved. I am one who believes there are &quo...I am grieved. I am one who believes there are "right choices". And yes, I know it's sometimes really hard to make them. I do have compassion for people who are in tough situations and have been there many times myself.<br /><br />Having compassion and supporting someone in a tough situation doesn't mean we have to agree with the choice. Nor does it mean one is judgmental to not agree.<br /><br />To say that any choice one would make is okay simply because one is in a tough situation is to basically throw our hands up and say that <br />people get a free pass to do whatever they want just because they're going through a hard time. Guess what? Everybody goes through hard times. None of us are exempt from that. <br /><br />Let's say you needed money and were in a very desperate spot. I care about and love you, but am never going to agree with you going out and robbing a bank no matter how much you justify the need to do it. But I will still love you. I will support you as you go through whatever you have to go through in the ramifications of that situation. But I will never agree that it was okay to rob even if you didn't know how you were going to pay the bills.<br /><br />I believe in these related posts, there's an underlying current of, "we have to support women no matter what they decide to do because they're in a tough spot. So let's be understanding no matter what they decide" Really? So how far are we going to take that? <br /><br />How about owning up to our actions and reactions without justification? <br /><br />How about acknowledging the pain we have caused others? <br /><br />How about taking full responsibility instead of offering up all the reasons why causing harm was okay?<br /><br />Where does taking responsibility for our own actions come into play? <br /><br />Women can explain the rationale for our choices all the day long but it's never going to make anyone else feel any better if we caused harm.<br /><br />As for some choices being legal, all I have to say to that is, a lot of unjust things are legal. Things like keeping adoptees OBC's from them. Currently legal in most states. Yet it's harming many and is inexcusable. <br /><br />No progress is made by affirming harmful decisions. <br /><br />You say it boils down to choice, I say it boils down to selfishness. <br /><br />Social ills that harm children in any way have this common root. Take any problems that concern a child's best interest...when that is not accomplished, somebody in the equation cared more about themselves than a child and saw to it that their desire was carried out at all costs. Whether it meant killing them, or giving them away, it boiled down to...somebody wanted their own way. <br /><br />You and Lynn spoke of compassion for women and their choices. What about the compassion for those who are harmed by the choice?<br /><br />The summary of this post was that, when we make choices that cause pain in others' lives, people will just have to find a way to cope with our choice. They might get angry but they'll work through it. Just like we do, just like everyone does. <br /><br />Wow. I hardly know what to say to that, and I am rarely at a loss for words.Dr. Deanna DossShrodeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06651422170585497480noreply@blogger.com