They haven't really contributed to the guilt. They will ask about my birthparents and don't seem to have any bad feelings towards them, so why do I edit myself.
Recently, Kate took me to the coast for my fortieth birthday. Had I been going with a girlfriend, I would have told my parents all about it. But, since I was going with Kate, I played it down - made it seem like just an overnight instead of a long weekend, didn't go into details.
And because my parents are old-fashioned and polite, they don't ask more questions than what I offer - they wouldn't want to "pry." But if they did pry, I wouldn't mind - it would make it seem more okay.
I am feeling particularly guilty today because I screwed up big-time with my parents. I didn't call my mom, and didn't do anything for her eightieth birthday. Yes, lovely, I know.
Do I have excuses - sure. Her birthday was the day before our department graduation, an event that I spend a lot of time and energy and stress on and 2 days later was our 5 year old's birthday party and it was all a whirlwind. But, do any of those excuses make my missing my mom's birthday - her 80th - acceptable - of course not.
What made it worse, is that I was spending that day with my birthmom, with her helping us with the ukulele graduation event, doing a dress rehearsal for that. Then she and Steve babysat the kids so Dane and I could go out. All of this while I was forgetting my mom's birthday.
The thing that makes it worse is that I didn't forget - I kept remembering during the day that it was her birthday and I should call. I had forgotten that it was her eightieth, or else I wouldn't have been so careless about it. I kept putting it off and then didn't do it.
I called a couple days later and apologized (still not remembering that it was her eightieth), she was mad. Called again today. She's mostly over it, but my dad's not talking to me. I feel awful.
And I deserve to feel guilty for that, I messed up. I'm human, I suck at birthdays and events like that that girls are supposed to be good at, that my mom is good at. But I suck all the same.
But, I wish I still didn't feel guilty for my relationship with my birthfamilies. I wish I could just talk openly and honestly and have it be normal. Even though I call my birth-sisters my sisters, and Kate's siblings aunts and uncles - I don't refer to them by those designations to my parents (Mary, instead of "Aunt Mary," Abby instead of "my sister." And playing down the time I spend with them and things like that. I don't think I'll ever quite get past that. But, maybe if I try, and nothing bad happens, then I'll get used to it. Maybe I'll try that.
But, for now, I just have to figure out how to make up for my mom's birthday.
to view my birthmother's blog on the same topic, go to mothertone
Thoughts? Reflections? Opinions?